


When The Sun Sets In Karasuno

by kemiyu (orphan_account)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Depressed Hinata Shouyou, Depression, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Karasuno, Loneliness, M/M, Nekoma, Sad Hinata Shouyou, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-08
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:29:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22606291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/kemiyu
Summary: Hinata Shoyou’s bright persona was starting to falter, his true feelings beginning to slip through the cracks. No one was noticing his shift in attitude. No one at all.That was until a practice match with Karasuno & Nekoma, in which a certain pudding haired boy became concerned.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kozume Kenma
Comments: 40
Kudos: 470





	1. Chapter 1 ( ^▽^)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 1.  
> Hinata Shoyou is riddled with self hatred, but maybe a practice match with Nekoma can distract him from himself!

**Chapter 1;**

Hinata stirred in his half asleep state as each note of his alarm caused a painful sensation in his head. As he began waking up, he became more aware. He gagged as he could feel his own sweat. He slowly opened his eyes, his hand patting across his bed as he tried to find the source of this horrendous noise. He eventually came across his phone, and turned the alarm off.

Despite just waking up, he felt deprived of all his energy. He buried his head into his pillow, the idea of going outside Today made him feel sick to his stomach. Hinata sniffled, his house felt lonely, everything was quiet. No birds chirping, no whistling wind and no cars driving by. He felt somewhat serene. A small ‘bing’ from his phone was enough to startle him, the orchestra of silence around him had been disrupted.

Hinata every so slowly got up and checked his phone.

 _Bakeyama_ : Hey dumbass, if I beat you to practice Today then you have to buy me two pork buns 

Hinata groaned, he felt too tired to race him Today, but it’s not like he could tell Kageyama that. Hinata struggled to contain his thoughts enough to muster up a reply.

 _Hinata_ : I’ll definitely win, Bakeyama!! You’re the dumbass!! ゜(｀Д´)゜

Hinata hummed to himself, pork buns and volleyball were the only things he enjoyed. He let out a pained noise as he got up, his body aching. His legs trembled when he stood, causing him to stumble over, just barely being able to catch himself on his desk.

”I feel disgusting.” He said, voice wobbly. He rolled his shirt over his head, revealing to himself his own body.

Hinata hated his body.

Hinata hated his height.

Hinata hated his hair.

Hinata hated **himself**.

He entered the bathroom, shuddering as his toes hit the cold floor. He glanced upwards at the mirror, his eye bags were dark and heavy, his eyes were red and his hair was wildly sticking out in various directions. He ran the tap to the bath, making sure it was warm. He gently dipped his toe into the water, ensuring it wasn't excessively hot. He got in the bath, gradually sliding down. He murmured delicately as the water folded over him, the feeling of warmth soothing his skin.

He poured in soap that had a scent reminiscent of grape into the bath, he quite liked this smell. Hinata scrubbed his chest, thighs, legs and eventually made his way to his arms. This part was the worst. He winced as he carefully scrubs his arms, causing a stinging pain in the fresh scars that were littered his skin. Even though cutting hurts, Hinata couldn’t resist it. The thoughts were tantalising and his mind was plagued with continuous contemplations of doing it. He groaned as he accidentally reopened some healing wounds, causing a red tint to fill the bath. Hinata quickly grabbed a towel and pressed it against his arm, whimpering at the pain. He began to feel sleepy.

**  
………… **

Hinata awoke to find himself shivering in cold, blood soaked water. He slowly got up, water dripping down his body. _Drip, drip, drip._ Hinata wrapped a towel around his waist, and walked into his room. He gently wrapped bandages around his arm, praying that none of the team members noticed. He stared down at his now wrinkly hands, ‘ _How long was I in there?’ ._ He grabbed his phone and checked the time.

”Holy shit! Practice starts in 5 minutes!” Hinata gasped, trying to dry himself off as quickly as possible. He quickly threw his school clothes on, and frantically buttoned up shirt. He brushed his hair, causing it to poof up like a cloud. Rather than _actually_ brushing his teeth, Hinata decided to shove a handful of breath mints in his mouth instead. He sprinted up to the front door, slipped his shoes on and grabbed his house keys.  
Hinata opened the door and was met with blinding sunlight that soaked his skin in heat. He locked the door behind him and got to where his bike was. He gently ran his hand over the seat, not entirely shocked to find out that it was blistering hot. After a mental debate on whether or not to sprint to school, or ride a bike with a seat that feels like it’s made of lava, Hinata opted to run.

**………  
**

Hinata huffed as he clutched his hand to his heaving chest, desperately trying to get a hold of any air. He bent down, hand on knees as he stood in front of the gymnasium doors.

”I fucking made it!” He said hoarsely, voice strained. He gently pushed open the doors, hearing the familiar sound of a volleyball being hit. Hinata was instantly met with two of his friends right up in his face.

”Hinata!” Nishinoya cried, grabbing Hinata’s hands and bouncing up and down. Hinata felt bewildered for a moment, but responded with a stuttered “Y-Yes, senpai?”. Nishinoya’s eyes flared up, ’ _My sweet Kouhai o(╥﹏╥)o ‘._

”We’re going to Nekoma for a practice match!” Tanaka chimed in, “You get to see your little pudding hair friend.“. Tanaka snickered at the ‘genius’ nickname he gave Hinata’s friend.

”Errr? Pudding hair friend?” Hinata said, confused. “Oh! You mean Kenma?”. Tanaka was about to nod before a very angry looking Kageyama interrupted their conversation. Kageyama grabbed the collar of Hinata’s shirt, lifting him up so that they were face to face. Hinata flailed around and shouted at Kageyama angrily. ”Bakeyama!! Let me go!”.

”Dumbass! Why are you late?” He scolded, throwing Hinata down. Hinata paused for a moment, trying to think of something to say. He got up, dusting himself off.

”I was helping Natsu with something.” Kageyama got confused but shook it off, he scoffed and walked away. Truth be told, Hinata’s family were on a vacation and had been gone for two weeks. Kageyama was the only one that Hinata told that to, but because Kageyama is well... An idiot, he most likely forgot. Hinata went back to some light chatting with his senpai’s, talking about how excited they were to see Tokyo Tower.

”Hinata! Coach Ukai printed out an information sheet for our trip to Nekoma. Read through it and please ask me if you have any questions.” Daichi said, giving Hinata a light pat on the back. “Oh, and hand in a written note from a parent or guardian saying that you have permission to leave school grounds on a trip.”

”Sure thing, senpai” Hinata mumbled. It wasn’t _too_ hard to forge his parents signatures. Hinata scanned through the sheet. _’Gwah?! We go Tomorrow!’ ._ Hinata began mumbling p, lost in thought, but was then quickly reminded that he had to practice for the match with Nekoma, even if it was only a practice match **.**

 **………  
  
  
** Hinata got home from a tiresome day at school and plopped down onto his bed. He quickly swiped his phone out of his pocket and checked his messages. _3 Unread Messages._ Hinata opened the first message, which was from Kenma;

 ** _Kenma v(=∩_∩=)ﾌ_ **: Hey, Shoe

 _ **Kenma v(=∩_∩=)ﾌ**_ : Dammit, Sho*

 **Hinata:** Kenmaaaa <333

 **Hinata:** Ahaha, ‘Shoe’! What’s up?

 ** _Kenma v(=∩_∩=)ﾌ_ : **Are you coming to the practice match at Nekoma?

 **Hinata:** Ofc!! I miss you!

 ** _Kenma v(=∩_∩=)ﾌ_ : **I miss you too, Sho

 _ **Kenma v(=∩_∩=)ﾌ**_ **:** I gotta go, talk to you later 

_**Kenma v(=∩_∩=)ﾌ** **:** <3  
_

**_Hinata:_ ** _Bye Kenma <33333_

_Seen at 4:15PM._

Hinata checked his other message, which was from his mother. Well, not _actual_ mother, but close enough.

 **Sugamama :** Hinata, please remember to get a note signed from your parents, and pack a bag. See you tomorrow ^^ 💜

 **Hinata:** Of course, Mum!! <3

 **Sugamama :** I told the team to stop calling me that T~T

  
Hinata let out a fake chuckle and began to rummage through his room for some scrap paper before eventually finding some. His mother sent him pictures of her signature incase he needed it for a school trip while she away. He placed the picture of the signature he took under some paper and traced over it with a pen. 

_’She’s too trusting of me... Although I should call her and tell her I’m going, in case she comes back early.’_ Hinata dialed her number and held the phone to his ear, longing to hear the familiar voice of his loving mother and sister. He held his head low, maybe she wouldn’t answer... To his surprise, she did;

”Shoyou, why are you calling me?” Her voice inquired, despite the warm tone in her voice, Hinata could tell that she didn’t really want to talk to him.

”Hey, mum...” His voice came out more tired than he anticipated, “Is it okay if I go to Nekoma for a practice match? It’s only for 5 days.” Hinata heard her let out a loud sigh, his heart begin to race.

”Yeah, fine, whatever. Make sure the house is spotless when you leave, got it?” She said, loosing the warm tone she previously had. 

”Of course. I lo-“. Hinata was taken aback, before he could finish his sentence, she hung up on him. _Maybe her finger slipped, that’s all, she’s rather silly, isn’t she?_ Deep down Hinata knew, he knew that he had mentally constructed an image of his mother that wasn’t at all true.

He imagined a loving mother. A loving mother that would plant soft kisses on his forehead when he got home, a loving mother that would praise him for doing good on a test, a loving mother that made him deals, **a loving mother that didn’t go on ‘vacations’ for months on end just be rid of him.  
  
**

**………  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 1 is done ( ^▽^)  
> I’ll upload chapter two Tomorrow or the day after. Comments if I made any errors or if you have any inquiries about this fic  
>  \- Kemiyu


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hinata remembers the day perfectly. The day his mother's warm embrace turned into utter disgust. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW! Abuse

**Chapter 2**

Hinata had to wake up alot earlier than usual, as the bus left for Nekoma left rather early. Despite the refusal his body had of getting up, he started getting ready. He groggily stood up, double checking he had everything packed in his bag.

 **Hinata :** Dadchi, what time do you want me to get to school?

 **Dadchi :** In thirty minutes or so. Is it safe for you to bike at this time of day?

 **Hinata :** I'll be fine, thanks!! ^^

 **Dadchi :** You're welcome. Please be on time.

Hinata got ready, his body felt weak but he carried on anyway. He had spent last night making sure the house was _spotless._ His clicked his tongue and noticed the foul taste he had in his mouth. 

'Gross...' He thought. He grabbed his toothbrush and began brushing his teeth, gagging at the minty taste that filled his mouth. Today, his eye bags were more noticeable than yesterday. Hinata could barely sleep last night, every time he closed his eyes he was reminded of all the reasons as to why he hated himself. The eyebags weren't the only thing that became more noticeable; after the incident in the bath, bruising began to form around his scars.

Hinata groaned and did his daily routine of wrapping his arm in bandages. He got out of the bathrom and took a deep inhale, he knew he'd miss the familiar scent of his house.

After concluding that he was ready to leave, Hinata went outside. The sun had barely risen over the skyline, and there was a slight breeze in the air. Hinata stood still for a moment, almost spacing out. Hinata was snapped back into reality as his whole body began to vibrate, _his phone was ringing._

 _"Hello?"_ Hinata spoke softly.

"Hinata, are you on your way to school yet?" Sugawara's voice was such a refresher for Hinata. He always made him feel comfortable.

"I'm just about to leave, Suga!" Hinata chirped, hoping Suga wouldn't notice the tiredness that loomed in his voice.

"Okay, be careful Hinata! Bye." Suga ended the call, much nicer than the way his mother had ended their call yesterday.

Hinata got on his bike and peddled to school, admiring the small sounds of morning birds chirping and buzzing crickets.

**.......**

Hinata got to front of the floor, the headlights of the bus the team was traveling by shining brightly in his face. Hinata groaned at the sight, and walked up to the bus. 

Coach Ukai was at the front seat of the bus, and got up when he saw Hinata.

"Hey kid, got your permission slip?" He asked, obviously eager to leave already. Hinata nodded and got the folded piece of paper out of his pocket that had his mothers signature on it. Coach Ukai read it and nodded, gesturing for Hinata to hurry up and sit down.

Everyone else on the team seemed to be there already. Suga and Daichi sat at the front, waving to Hinata when they saw him. Hinata smiled back, hoping they couldn't see how fake it was. Hinata scanned the seats, pondering where to sit. 

Hinata, much to Kageyama's dismay, sat next to him. "Boke, why are you sitting next to me?" Kageyama tried to sound angry, but his voice showed no signs of wanting Hinata to actually leave.

Hinata just hummed, not necessarily answering his question. Kageyama just groaned and ignored it. Coach Ukai stood up and began to speak, but Hinata couldn't focus.

Hinata stared at coach Ukai but couldn't hear him, he could barely focus. He tried to read his lips but his thoughts kept getting jumbled. He began to panic, but was brought out of his trance when he felt Kageyama wack him upside the head. 

"Dumbass, he's marking the roll. Just say here already." Kageyama nudged his shoulder into Hinata. He still didn't say a word. Kageyama rolled his eyes and pulled Hinata's hand up, "He's here." 

Coach Ukai nodded and continued. Hinata leaned back into his seat, his vision slipping through his grasp like water. His head dipped down low as his mind began to wander.

**.......**

_Hinata remembers the day perfectly. The day his mother's warm embrace turned into utter disgust._

Hinata brushed his knuckles against the door to his mother's room, making sure not to knock too loudly incase she was sleeping. Hinata heard the floorboards creak under the weight of her foot, watching as the door handle rattled. The door opened, Hinata's mother smiled softly as she ruffled his hair.

"Good morning, Sho." She said, pulling him into a hug. She rested her chin on his head as she patted him on the back. "What's wrong?" She inquired. 

Hinata gripped onto her shirt, "Mum... Can we talk?" His voice was hoarse and he trembled lightly. Hinata's mother lifted up his face and kisses him on the forehead.

"Of course, Shoyou. What do you want to talk about?". She grabbed his hand and led him into her room, sitting him down on her bed. She wanted him to be as comfortable as possible.

"Mum... I think that I, err." He treaded lightly over his words, not entirely sure what to say. "I think that I'm gay." His heart was pounding, a feeling of dread built up in his stomach.

"I'm sorry dear, can you repeat that?" She said, her tone reeked of malice. Her grip on his hand tightened, her thumb pressing so hard into him that it caused bruising.

"You're hurting me." Hinata whimpered, trying to pull away from her. He glanced up, his eyes meeting the deathly stare of his mother. "I said that I think I'm gay." He instantly regretted saying so, as he could feel her attitude shift. 

She got up, and did something she had never done before. _She hit him._ Hinata gasped as he felt her face whip across his face. A searing pain covered his left cheek as tears began to stream down his face. "Get out." She said hoarsely. 

Hinata staggered out of her bedroom, confused and in pain. Hinata's mother than began to change. She no longer made physical contact with him, and the only time she would speak to him was when she was insulting him.

 **"No son of mine is gay. What the fuck is wrong with you? You're fucking useless!** " She would cry. Sometimes she wouldn't feed him for days on end, but Hinata didn't mind. _She was right, wasn't she? Parents are always right._

**_........_ **

Hinata awoke with a feeling of dampness of his cheek, and a concerned look from Kageyama. "Dude, are you okay? You were crying in your sleep." Hinata grumbled and stretched his arms.

"I'm fine, just had a bad dream." He yawned. Not a bad dream persay, more so a bad memory. Hinata gasped as the bus drove over a rocky path in the road, earning a chuckle from Kageyama. They bickered for the rest of the bus ride, annoying their disgruntled team mates.

**........**

The bus eventually came to a hault, slightly throwing Hinata forward. Coach Ukai spoke up, telling the team they had reached Nekoma. The team cheered, but Hinata wasn't cheering. Hinata got shaky and felt his face flush. _Why did he feel like this?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll continue this Tomorrow. Good night ^^ <3
> 
> Kemiyu ♡


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hinata arrives at Nekoma, where he is met by some familiar faces. His usual feeling of self loathing has somewhat calmed when he is in the presence of a certain boy, but he knows the feeling will never completely vanish.  
> What is he to do when the feeling finally catches up with him and how will the other boy react?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit, I’m so sorry for such a long delay on this! I’ve been working on other stories and have been very busy with school. I have done 2 exams, but unfortunately still have 3 to go, as well as pretty hefty assignments. I’ve had a few adjustments in my personal life that have made this story a little hard to write, as it is something that relates to me quite a lot. Nevertheless, I’ll continue with this.  
> I sincerely apologise for this and it was not fair for the readers to have to wait so long. I hope this doesn’t happen again.  
> 

The process of having an entire team get out of a bus was still as hasty as ever, even if it’s a common occurrence for such a far travelling team. Despite how decently coordinated they are during games, they’re lacking such skill when it comes to anything else. A few members of the team are an exception, those of which being Kiyoko, Yachi, Ennoshita, Daichi and Tsukishima. Others, however, are a bumbling mess of either energy, anger or sheer fear.   
Tanaka and Nishinoya were their usual selves, jumping and yelling at the sight of literally anything. Their over the top rowdy personas proved difficult when trying to get the team out of a tightly compacted place. Kageyama was, for lack of a better word, a little confused at such a predicament. He wasn’t the best in terms of social interaction, and would much prefer to yell at people to get out of the way - but his hype of wanting to play volleyball ended up putting him in the same category as Tanaka and Nishinoya.   
Yamaguchi, Suga and Hinata ended up in the tangled mess of arms and legs, faces twisted into that of disgust. Due to Hinata’s small stature, the team barely noticed him in their stampede. He had to carry his rather large bag amongst the mess of people, practically getting squashed like a bug in the process. The other team members managed to fit into their own category and handled the situation with a little grace. 

Hinata’s body fell forward, eyes wide as his bag was thrown from over his shoulder as he plummeted downwards. He had misstepped on his exit of the bus, feet tripping over themselves in this action. He was jolted upright when a tight grip pulled on the back of his shirt, swinging him into a proper position. He let out a breathless huff, eyes wandering up to his saviour. A sparkle of sorts shon in his eyes as he looked up, nose crinkling as he grinned widely. He leapt forward, arms loosely wrapping around the neck of the person before him. “Kenmaaa!” He cheered, Kenma not surprised by how Hinata immediately made physical contact. Truth be told, Kenma didn’t mind hugs from Hinata. He was fond of the redhead, much to the humour of his teammates (especially Kuroo).

”Hi, Shoyou.” Kenma said, his usual lazy tone present in his voice. He weakly returned the hug before giving Hinata a soft pat on the back. The two boys pulled away, a sweet aura forming around them. It hadn’t been too long since they’d last seen each other, but they acted as if it had been years. The pair were unusually close for enemies, but Nekoma and Karasuno always had a sort of frenemies tale to it. Kuroo was close behind Kenma, a sly grin on his face. His elbows rested on Kenma’s shoulder, using his body like an arm rest.   
Kuroo moved one hand up in a swift motion, hands intertwining with Hinata’s fluffy hair. He laughed as he did this, earning a look of confusion from his best friend. He gave him a few pats on the head, “Heya, shrimpy.” He said, a soft snicker behind his words. Kenma cocked an eyebrow, but was slightly amused by the dazzled look on Hinata’s face.

”Rooster head!” Hinata beamed, before turning a ghostly shade of white. He clasped his hands over his mouth, soul leaving his body and ascending into the afterlife. Kuroo let out a fake gasp, trying his best to look as offended as possible. Kenma let out a genuine laugh, much to the surprise of Kuroo. Hinata bowed down, apologising profusely - which further provoked the other two boys to laugh. Hinata’s head perked up, pouting as he wreathed with embarrassment. “I’m sorry, Kuroo!” He cried, a tone of desperation in his voice. Kuroo wiped away a fake tear before flashing him a cocky smile, reassuring him that it was okay. Kenma examined Hinata, and he looked just how he remembered him.   
Hinata most likely would’ve been offended to hear this, but Kenma believed Hinata had not grown since their last meeting. He remained the short redhead he was before. His posture was too energetic, very different from Kenma’s. His hair stuck out wildly, colour akin to a blazing fire. His eyes, however, looked different. It was only for a moment, but Kenma swore he could see a sadness in him as they lost their usual twinkle. It was heartbreaking to see Hinata’s smile fade, even if it was only for a second. Kenma didn’t know what was going on, but he would keep a close on him.   
As Kenma’s eyes travelled further down, Kenma noticed the weight pulling Hinata’s wrist down. “Ah, Shoyou.” Kenma piped up, grabbing the attention of both boys. There was an unusual amount of firmness in his voice, but it also had undertones of care, “We’ll help you with your bags.”. His hand reached out, offering to hold a bag. Hinata had a look of contemplation on his face, mentally debating whether or not to agree.   
_Kenma is so sweet._  
 _But, he doesn’t have much energy._  
 _I don’t want to waste his energy._  
 _He means too much to me._  
 _Wait, you’re stalling._  
 _Think of an answer._  
 _C’mon, Shoyou!_  
 _C’mon._  
 _C’mon._  
 _C’mon._  
 _C’mon.  
Shut up!_

Hinata was brought back into consciousness as he heard the snap of someone’s fingers, he peered up to see the concerned face of Kenma. He became a little frantic in his movements, leaning back silently in an attempt to avoid Kenma’s hand. Kenma bit his lip, side eyeing Kuroo with a look of ‘help’. Kuroo nodded and swiftly picked up the shrimp by the waist, who was surprised enough to let go of his bag. It dropped to the floor with a heavy thud, giving Kenma enough time to pick it up. It physically pained Kenma to pick up the bag, ‘How the Hell did Shoyou carry this?’. But, it wasn’t like _he_ was going to be carrying it.   
Hinata was set down on the floor, legs wobbling as he reached the ground. He had a dumbfounded expression on his face, mouth agape and stature defeated. Kenma huffed, arms shaking as he lifted the bag to give to Kuroo. Kuroo lifted it with ease and had it loosely hung around his shoulder, clearly showing off his strength.

”You’re our guest, Hinata. We’ll take your bag for you.” Kuroo reassured, making Hinata smile softly. Truth be told, Hinata felt awful about this. He was their guest and they were treating him so nicely. Did they even like him? Why would anyone like him? His head began to hurt as he swarmed with thoughts, skin burning up and break quickening. Kenma noticed this, he had a keen eye after all. He was hesitant in his actions, but carefully lifted his hand to touch Hinata’s forehead. His fingers pressed softly against his skin, which did a K.O to Hinata. His cheeks warmed up, this time not due to the fear coursing through his veins, but rather due to an unknown feeling. He hasn’t felt like this before. His breathing slowed, but he felt unbelievably embarrassed. Kenma’s touch was icy cold, but felt soothing against Hinata’s warm skin. He hummed softly into the touch, which was an involuntary action.   
“Do you feel unwell?” Kenma asked, hand returning to the safety of his own pocket. His body cowered, but still remained taller than Hinata. Hinata shakily nodded, trying to return to his previously decently well collected state. Hinata, assuming the team would function without him, gladly accompanied Kenma and Kuroo to the location of where he was staying.

After much walking and small chitchat between the trio, they arrived at the familiar room in which the team was staying. It wasn’t too large in size, but was decent enough to fit the team. Obviously enough, Kiyoko and Yachi would be in seperate rooms - good for them, as they could escape the harassment of Tanaka and Nishinoya. This room wasn’t the only room that could be used for accomodation, but was the only one they were allowed to use. It was relatively dark, blinds shut and space hollow. It was empty, aside from the bed splayed out against the room, just enough for the team. Hinata chose his bed, which was in the corner further from the door. Kuroo dropped his bags on the bed, letting out a exasperated sigh. The loud footsteps of his teammates quickly followed suit, interrupting the peaceful and serene atmosphere that was previously there. Kenma looked uncomfortable, not entirely friendly with his teammates. He didn’t have a problem with them, but that doesn’t mean he wanted to interact with them. Kuroo noticed this, of course he would, they were best friends after all.

”Kenma, you and shrimpy can go to another room while I take care of Karasuno.” He said, giving a gentle pat on the back to Kenma as he ushered for them to leave. Kenma gave him his thanks and softly cupped Hinata’s hands, leading them away from the boy. They parted, going seperate ways. Kuroo was in the corridor, awaiting the arrival of Karasuno. Whereas Kenma and Hinata had been whisked away to a seperate room, one with less people. Or more so no people. It was the same as the other rooms, but was a tad smaller than the others. Hinata was barely alive during this whole endeavour and gave zero protests as he was too enthralled by the fact that Kenma was holding his hand. They had made physical contact before hand, truthfully ones a little more exciting than this, but this managed to stun Hinata. He felt warm and fuzzy in this moment, blindly letting Kenma lead him into a different room.   
They had been here before, and this was standard protocol for Hinata’s visits. Kuroo would take care of Karasuno and Kenma and Hinata would get to relax in the meantime. This was always something that caused an uproar, especially with Tanaka and Nishinoya, who demanded to know the whereabouts of their kouhai. Suga was his normal motherly self, and was too concerned about Hinata. Others, however, paid no mind to his disappearance and quickly got used to his escapism. This was standard protocol after all. Kuroo would never give the direct location of Hinata, as he found it assuming to see how riled up the team could get. The coaches trusted him, although that took a little getting used to - especially after the first time Kenma dragged Hinata away.

Kenma sat down on one of the floor in a crisscross position as he pulled a DS from out of his pocket. He cracked it open with a satisfying ‘click’, the bright screen pooling into his vision. Hinata plopped down next to him, mouth agape as he let out a soft ‘oh’. His back barely touched the edge of the bed, as he was slanted over so he could see the screen. Kenma stretched his arms out, preparing to be stuck in the same position for at least an hour and to have Hinata peering over his shoulder every second. He fiddled around with the joystick, before turning to face Hinata. Their hair briefly touched Hinata’s nose, the strands blowing upwards as he spoke each word, “What game do you want?”.   
Hinata let out a long hum of contemplation and consideration. He had gained quite a lot of knowledge from watching Kenma play, and had expanded his horizons. He had a pretty good idea of which games Kenma owned, but was never surprised to see that he could frequently buy new games. His finger trailed across the screen hesitantly, before finally landing on a specific game; Legend Of Zelda - Majora’s Mask. This was a game he often chose, and never really explained why. Kenma didn’t think Hinata would choose such a depressing game, and was always a little surprised to see him choose it again, even after seeing such graphic scenes. Kenma had finished the game multiple times, but since the first time Hinata chose it, was yet to complete it. He waited for Hinata’s visits to continue their gameplay, which was something they bonded over a lot. Although sometimes it wasn’t just when they were physically together that they would play, it happened a few times over FaceTime too. Kenma hated calls, everything about them made his stomach churn, but a sense of peacefulness resigned within him when around Hinata.

“You ready? We’ve almost completed it.” Kenma said, eyes steady on Hinata as he awaited an answer. Hinata nodded vigorously, eyes darting towards the bright halo of the main menu. The iconic Zelda theme played, making the two boys slightly tap along to it. The game had begun, returning them to their usual endeavour. Over time, Hinata’s posture became more and more lousy. Despite their lack of conversation, there was a sense of mutual communication between them. Hinata would just watch on as Kenma played, often declining Kenma’s propositions of playing as well. He would much rather just observe (a little scared after the last time he played a game, where he continuously lost and felt embarrassed). Kenma was an expert in the eyes of Hinata, and trusted his actions completely.   
Hinata very suddenly went limp, cheek rubbing into the nook of Kenma’s neck. Kenma let out a low gasp, startled by the contact. To be fair, a lot of time had passed. The sun began to dip in the setting skies, a fire-like colour that matched Hinata’s hair painted in the skies. A dark mixture of blue and black resided in the opposite side of the skies, threatening to consume the land with the unstoppable march of time and cycle of day. Kenma’s eyes broke away from his game to see what was up with Hinata. His heart ached at the sight before him. Hinata’s eyelashes were pressed together, hair hung loosely in front of his face as he let out a steady snore. He was curled up, choosing to use Kenma’s body as a pillow. By the look of things, he was very much asleep. Hinata’s breath was warm against Kenma’s neck, as his fingers teetered on the edge of Kenma’s thigh - even when he was alseep, Kenma thought he was breathtaking.

Kenma, much to Kuroo’s surprise, felt a certain attraction to his dear crow friend - one that stemmed further than the bounds of ‘just friends’. Kuroo was initially taken aback and in utter disbelief, Kenma Kozume in love? No way. But, under further inspection he realised just how true this was. Kenma was never the type to willing let people touch him or talk to him - Hell, despite being friends growing up, Kenma barely ever replied to Kuroo’s texts. Yet, he could hold a conversation for hours on end with Hinata and never grow tired of him. Kuroo was jealous, not in the way that he liked Hinata - Kuroo wasn’t attracted to either of them, he just envied how much they interacted. Kenma believed that every little detail about Hinata was something worth noting. He’d never met someone so unbelieving cute that it consumed his entire being. They were quite opposite, in the sense that Hinata seemed energetic and chaotic, whereas Kenma rarely made a peep. Under the surface, Hinata was also just as calm. They had moments together, much like this, that were very calming. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t think about him often, think about his eyes, his hair and that _smile._ He loved that smile, more than he loved games. It made his heart beat so fast in his chest, he was like a deer in headlights. He thought his pining was obvious, but apparently not - as so far only Kuroo has noticed. He hoped Hinata didn’t notice. 

_Why would he?_  
 _He didn’t love himself._  
 _Why would others love him?_  
Although, it’s not like Kenma knew this. He thought Hinata was just incredibly dense. Which, to be fair, he kinda was.

Kenma closed his DS, he couldn’t progress without Hinata after all. They were at the most crucial part of the game, so Kenma was a little surprised to find that Hinata fell asleep. Nonetheless, he found this incredibly endearing. He wasn’t too peeved, but a part of him did want to finish the game. He noticed that Hinata looked kinda - uncomfortable - ? He wasn’t sure if he was making the right decision, but it was all he could think of in that moment. He carefully moved in such a manor that Hinata slumped down against the side of his body, head now resting on Kenma’s thigh. His knees were pressed tightly against his body, emitting soft snores as he spiralled into a further decent of a sleepy state. And so they stayed like this, Hinata and asleep and Kenma basking in both the feeling of Hinata on him and the orchestra of silence in the room.   
He could stay like this forever.   
But, time was a reality after all and they weren’t the only people alive in this world. Someone just had to come around and disrupt them with some type of news.   
And that’s exactly what happened.

Minutes had passed, reaching just under an hour as far as Kenma knew. His eyelids felt heavy, he was switching between consciousness and unconsciousness. Hinata was still mindlessly sleeping next to him, his head causing a warm spot on Kenma’s thigh. There was a loud knock on the floor, followed by a long silence. Kenma was now fully awake, but not entirely in a position to get up. After a pause of silence, and no response from Kenma, came three knocks that were a little less loud than before. Kenma let out a groan, not willing to disrupt the sleepy state of Hinata. “Come in.” He said, trying to put his voice at a volume that could be heard from outside, but wouldn’t wake Hinata. This was a dangerously thin line to cross.

The door slowly creaked open with an unbearable monstrous noise that hurt Kenma’s ears. Kuroo stood in the doorway, taken aback by the cuddled up look of the two boys. He wore a shit-eating grin on his face, one all too familiar for Kenma. This made Kenma want to kick him in the shins, it bothered him - because he knew that whatever Kuroo was thinking, was most likely true. He strode on up to them, that devilish smile still plastered onto his face. He gave Hinata a flick on the forehead, which made Kenma let out an offended gasp. Hinata stirred, but was still very much asleep.   
“C’mon, dinner time. Wake up shrimpy.” Kuroo coed, rustling Hinata’s hair. Hinata began to toss and turn, letting out a disgruntled groan of annoyance. After continuous attempts to wake him, Hinata’s eyes snapped open. His eyes were glazed with a look of both irritation and the overwhelming feeling of wanting to go back to sleep. This was something Kenma had rarely ever seen - pissed off Hinata. He had a scowl on his face, eyes twitching as he held back the urge to cry in frustration. He was then quickly reminded of his surroundings and who he was with, two people he definitely didn’t want to cry in front of.   
And so, he buried his feelings deep within him, turning on his usual happy facade. He chirped happily, bouncing up as he tried to conjure up something ‘Hinata’ to say. “Yummy, dinner!” He chimes happily, hoping they couldn’t hear the obvious fake ness in his voice. They chuckled at his response, _oh how very in character for Hinata._  
 _Hinata was happy._  
 _Hinata was energetic._  
 _Hinata liked pork buns._  
 _Hinata liked eating._  
 _Hinata didn’t hate everything about himself.  
  
_ If only that were true. Sometimes he wished it was, this wasn’t the nicest of feelings after all. But that’s just the way his mind was, and how he viewed himself wasn’t going to change so easily. He often felt empty, lacking purpose. His body became weaker with each passing day, finding it hard to focus, to feel energised and to keep up with this dumb fucking facade he created. Maybe things would be easier if he were honest? But, no. He couldn’t tell people. He didn’t deserve to tell them and they didn’t deserve to heart it. No one should have to hear his ranting. God, his brain was so loud - it just never stopped. Always talking, always talking, always talking. Sometimes he just wanted everything to shut up.

After a partial adventure around the school, the boys came across the place where dinner was taking place. The teams were already together, seated at a plethora of tables. It was loud and bustling with life. Karasuno was primarily seated on the right section of the room, and Nekoma on the left. Despite the fact that Hinata was being continuously ushered by his team to sit with them, he moved along with Kenma and sat at a table full of cats. Directly across from Hinata, was Lev and Yaku was next to him. Lev and Hinata got along decently well, and he was another person Hinata found easy to talk to it. Same with Yaku, they found comfort in each other as they could bond over their petite appearance. Kenma was on his side, and he was glad to keep it this way.   
The air had a strong aroma of meat in the air, tantalising Hinata with it’s very existence - stomach growling just by the thought. Whilst Kuroo held most of the conversation, that didn’t stop Hinata from occasionally chiming in. He remained silent for most of the dinner, munching down on meats and consuming rice. There was light laughter and chatter in the room from both of the opposing teams, being united in their liking towards meat. Their will to win in volleyball was put to the side, managing to find common ground in other things that didn’t result in rivalry conflict. 

Dinner had soon passed, and nighttime quickly took place. The wind whistled loudly as it thrashed against the fragile pane of the window and hissed violently when it rang through Hinata’s ears. The sky was so dark that it felt as if you’d be staring directly into the void, the bright light of the moon being the only distinguishable factor about the sky. The air was cool and had an ethereal sense to it. Being in a whole new place was something that made Hinata feel odd. He felt relaxed in it, more so than when he was in the comfort of his own home.   
Or perhaps that was just because he was in the same places as Kenma.

Most of the team had already taken their showers, one by one. Hinata was left as the last one to take a shower, having spent most of his time attached to Kenma’s hip like conjoined twins. After being reminded he had to shower, he made his way there. The bathroom was decently spaced, but the air was thick and heavy. Steam clouded the mirrors, which proved well for Hinata. He didn’t want to see himself. His virgin skin was quickly revealed to the harsh coldness of the night, and he was just about to face the freezing waters of the showers. His toes sunk into the watery floors, careful not to slip. His hands grabbed at the taps, trying his best to move them in their wet state. After a few turns and twists, the water came crashing down. It took a moment for it to heat up, and he was initially drenched in the coldest water ever - feeling as if he was in the icy barren lands of Antartica.   
When it became to warming up, it _really_ warmed up. It quickly became hot, almost unbearable. Hinata payed this no mind, and ignored the welling up of his skin. He sunk down the shower wall, sliding his way there until he firmly met the floor. His knees were pressed to his chest, head resting between his legs as he watched the clear water drip down the drain. Clear water. That was until, it was no longer clear.   
He let out a groan as the water had a soft red tint to it, looking down to see that cuts on his arm had reopened from the pressurised heat of the water. The blood trickled down his arm, droplets falling into the water and granting it that red hue. He clasped a hand to his forearm, in an attempt to stop the bleeding. This did not work, as his hand was already very wet and just further spread the blood across his skin. The hot water caused a very odd sensation to course through him, painful but also likeable.   
He felt so stupid.   
Maybe coming here was a mistake?   
He couldn’t let people find out.   
Please, don’t find out.   
He was unaware to how loud his breathing became and the copious amounts of blood still trickling out of him. His skin was burned pink, reminiscent of a lobster. His hair was less fluffy as droplets of water were caught in it, and it looked slightly darker now that it was wet. His attention remained fixed on his arm, this was a tedious situation. At times like this, Hinata partially wished he could’ve had a normal life.   
As the python of addiction had already coiled around him, wrapping around him and consuming him whole. Any chances of freedom had long since departed. Prey of such a beast is what he would remain, from now and until forever. The python spoke tantalising words, and those words rang loud in Hinata’s ears, constantly ringing like an alarm. No matter how much Hinata ran, the python would constantly catch up to him. He couldn’t escape it, and he couldn’t figure out how to rid his mind of the thoughts that plagued him. ‘Cut’ they said, ‘You’ll feel much better’ they cooed, but he never did. He never felt better, but he had always listened regardless. He now hated where he was, he knew there was no escaping what he had become. 

Minutes passed, or at least he thought so. He never had the best concept of time, the world seemed to pass him by more often than he would’ve liked. The blood still leaked, but at a much lower pace than beforehand. He remained on the floor, now sprawled out amongst the dirty red as he got whacked by the harsh droplets of water that came crashing down. His body felt heavy and he wasn’t entirely in the mood to move. However, a familiar voice came to his attention.   
“Shoyou? You okay?” It asked. That voice belonged to none other than Kenma, Hinata knew this for sure. There was a certain tone in his voice that warranted a feeling of concern and that didn’t rest well with Hinata. He couldn’t muster up a reply as his lips barely opened. “You’ve been in there for a while. I just wanted to say that you should hurry up, it’s almost bed time.” 

Hinata knew that Kenma was smart, and could read him like a book. Staying silent would only further provoke his suspicions, so he had no choice but to force his tired body to reply.   
“Yeah, be out in a sec.” His voice came out unusually high as he tried to make his voice sound as natural as possible. He cursed himself at his shitty attempt as being normal, fucking stupid. Kenma seemingly accepted this, as Hinata heard the tap of his footsteps that indicated he was leaving. Hinata shakily got up, fighting against his body that was trying to pull him back down to the floor. He turned the taps, and the stream of water ceased to exist. Droplets of water rolled down every inch of his body, and more frequently as he lifted his leg up to step out of the shower.

He almost slipped on his exist, his foot sliding against the wet floors. He just barely caught himself in his dreary state. His eyes darted around the room, in search of his towel. His towel was no where to be seen. This made his blood boil and an onslaught of self deprecating thoughts attacked him. Much to his dismay, he had to put his clothes on anyway - body still wet and the moisture soaking into his clothes. This was unbearably uncomfortable and he hated the sickening feeling of wet clothes against his skin. His shorts felt weird and his shirt clung too tightly to his chest - every movement he made was dreadful. He could’ve waited it out, letting himself dry naturally but the unstoppable march of time paraded further and the clock continued to tick. People were waiting, after all. And the impending fact that he had to go to his room haunted him. It was the worst part of visits to other schools, having to be cramped in some small room with his sweaty and loud teammates.   
A gentle knock came to the door, and just like before, was preceded by a calm and familiar voice that belonged to none other than Kenma. “Sho, I got your towel. It was still in your room and Suga sent me to give it to you.” . Hinata mindlessly opened the door to retrieve it, but he completely forget about a certain issue he was facing. He had clothes on, that was lucky, but that was not the predicament he was facing. As he opened the door, he revealed himself to Kenma - he had practically revealed his secret to him. His arm extended out to get the towel, and that’s when it clicked - his arm.

**No.**   
**No.**   
**No.**   
**No.**   
**No.**   
**No.  
**

His arms were visible to the naked eye, and therefore so was the painstakingly obvious cuts that littered his skin. He pauses in his moment, going stiff as his fingers barely clutched onto the towel. Nothing was said, not a single world. His blood ran cold in this moment, eyes darting between Kenma and the blood that stained his skin. Kenma’s eyes were focused on his arm, a look of disbelief coating his expressions. He had never seen Kenma look so hurt, not even during a video game. He quickly pulled his arm back to his side, breathing heavily.   
“Shoy-“ Kenma began, but was cut off when Hinata whirled past him in a flash. Hinata began to cry, and the tears began to stream down his cheek. Kenma, in a desperate attempt to stop him, blindly reached out to grab into any body part that belonged to Hinata. Hinata let out out a cry of pain as he winced, Kenma’s hands applying pressure to his wrists. Kenma gasped, the one spot he shouldn’t have touched.   
“I’m so sorry!” Kenma cried, removing his firm grip. Hinata took this moment to continue running, fortunately for him, he was much speedier than Kenma. He made it far.   
His cheeks were puffy and red, and his eyes were in practically the same state. His skin was scorched and bruised from the hot water, a look of despair on his face. He had worked so hard to hide himself, and yet he had idiotically revealed his secret so easily. 

Kenma stared down at the door, towel still in hand. He couldn’t believe it. What had he done? He looked around the bathroom, and the sight haunted him. Blood was all over the shower floor, spilling into the drain. Why had Hinata done this?   
_Please, be okay, Hinata._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> I hope the story remains interesting even after my little hiatus of sorts. You readers mean the world to me and I’m glad to have your support.  
> I’ll do my best to update more often. <3
> 
> Writing made me feel a little better. I hope my writing has improved! Thank you for your support.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kenma wants to fix things, he wants to fix Hinata. Maybe, there was a certain truth he was holding back on, but who’s to say that truth would fix things? It could make things easier, or it could make things worse. No one knows how the game will be played.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long, I’m really trying not to go on a hiatus but work is proving difficult. Online classes have become very hectic and I’m kinda struggling to keep up with things. That being said, I haven’t done much work and it’s piling up on me. I’ve just been sleeping -3-  
> Not sure how many more chapters to do, up to you guys! I’m not very good with fluff, or happy endings (although this isn’t necessarily an ending).

Kenma couldn’t believe his eyes, well maybe that wasn’t entirely true. Certain things about the way Hinata presented himself weren’t up to standard as of lately, but they were only small things. Hinata’s smile seemed less frequent, his texts were shorter and his eyes seemed glazed with a look of sadness. Everything about him seemed fake, as if his body was crafted out of porcelain - skin as white as snow, eyes large that were adorned with flattering eyelashes and the dollops of pink on his rosy cheeks. But, just like a doll, he had that forced look of happiness that was made with the upmost bullshit. Kenma wasn’t blind, he was often told he had a keen eye - able to see and perceive things much differently than any other. He knew something was wrong, long before this endeavour, and he did nothing.   
He let Hinata loose his shine. He let him continue bottling his feelings. He let him continue to be alone. He wished this came earlier, Hinata didn’t deserve to suffer the way he was - he was too kind for this. It would prove a shock to most, that someone as vibrant as Hinata would do this to himself. His energy rivalled the sun, he seemed chipper and pure. But that was a lie.

Kenma wasn’t sure what to do, here he stood - legs trembling as cool air wrapped around him and a metallic scent filed his nostrils. Blood was on the floor, on the tiles and on the door handle. Small droplets were on the floor, soaking into the water with each passing second. The fabric on the towel rubbed against his toes, but he couldn’t feel it. He couldn’t feel anything aside from fear and regret and it strangled his body with a heavy weight that was breaking his heart. His heart was beating wildly in his ears and it rang through his ears loudly. The scene before him was a nightmare, this was not the way he wanted things to go tonight.

He wanted their trip to go well, and he definitely wanted to spend it beside Hinata. Truth be told, he wasn’t too excited for their match - but he was excited to see Hinata. Their visits were always fun and Kenma enjoyed them, even if their demeanours weren’t the same. Hinata was a ray of sunshine (even if Today’s forecast proved otherwise) and Kenma was a little more reserved than he was. Kenma struggled with talking to people, it wasn’t as easy as it appeared in games after all. Kenma only really connected with two people, Kuroo and Hinata. Other people irritated him, even teammates he’s known for years - people he has watched express a tidal wave of emotions. He liked them, but that doesn’t mean he wants to talk to them - especially Lev, he’d prefer to kick him in the shins than hold a conversation with him. Hinata was a social butterfly, and made friends with everyone around him - his smile caused a domino effect of joll to occur and smack people directly in the heart. They were opposites, but maybe that what was making their hangouts so fun.

Think, think think. The words rang clear in his mind, but he was unable to do it. He had never been in this situation before, let alone with someone so dear to him. Someone that he would consider his - _wait, this wasn’t the time for that_. His fingers teetered along the pocket of his shorts, he was able to feel the firmness of his phone. _Okay, good start, grab the phone._ His actions were slow, in spite of the direness of the situation. He should move at a much faster pace but the weight of his heart was pulling him to the ground and he wanted to curl up into a ball. The tips of his fingers met with the top of his phone, the slick feeling of the screen cold and familiar. Tears began to pool in the corner of his eyes, and in contrast to the temperature of his phone screen, were warm and damp. He lifted his arm up, the bright screen shining in his eyes. It lit up the room with a green tint, forcing more tears to roll down his cheek. 

He dialled a number, he couldn’t do this alone. He didn’t know what to do - that doesn’t mean the other person would, but it was better than having no one. He was met with that familiar croaky voice that reeked of sleepiness at this hour of the night, “Kenma?” . He couldn’t respond initially, he didn’t know what to say. What came out was a broken string of sobs that came out incoherent. He tried to swallow the lump in his throat, as his friend kept pressing more and more questions that he was unable to answer.   
“Kuroo, please.” He begged, “Please come here.” . It came out more so as a mumble, but they’ve been friends for years, it became something Kuroo was able to pick up on. They’d seen each other at their best and worst moments, their happiest and saddest. Being childhood friends came with some perks, it made it easier to communicate and easier to pick up on each other’s signals. Kuroo asked further questions, having to repeat them a couple time as Kenma struggled to hear him over his thumping heart.   
“In the showers.” He stuttered out, “I’m in the showers. Please hurry.”. The call ended soon after, Kuroo didn’t understand the situation, but he knew it was urgent. Kenma was never this frantic and distraught about anything, this must’ve been important. 

The loud clacking sounds of shoes became louder and more frequent, until they ceased - but were replaced with a loud panting noise. Kuroo had ran to the showers, sweat rolling down his back and his legs in pain. He was hunched over, one hand on his knee and the other on the door for support. His eyes were pressed shut as he tried to catch his breath, oblivious to the lifeless look on Kenma’s face as he stood frozen. He had a deer in the head lights look to him, he hadn’t dared to move since their phone call ended.  
“What’s up?” He huffed out, just beginning to open his eyes, “OH.” . He didn’t know what to say. There stood his best friend, body stiff as tears rolled down his cheek, the room was dimly lit and the floors were sprayed with blood. The blood didn’t look like it belonged to him, there was no sign on blood on his body. His skin looked untouched and it remained very pale, his clothes were clean and his hair was still blonde - who’s blood was this. Kuroo’s eyes scanned the room, a hint of mist still on the mirror. He retracted his hand close to his body when he noticed the smeared blood on the door handle, and moved his feet inwards as to avoid the droplets on the floor.   
“Ahah... Did you, um, did you kill someone?” He asked, voice dry but with a touch of hysteria. Was this some type of joke? Kenma moved, his joints cracking as he did so. He turned around, eyes peering up at Kuroo’s. He looked like a disaster. His eyes were puffy and red, presumably from the crying, and his arms hung weakly out in front of him. Kuroo pulled him into a tight embrace, Kenma’s body sinking into his touch. 

”It’s Shoyou. I don’t know where he went.” That was all he needed to say, and Kuroo accepted that. This didn’t seem like a matter that should be pressed at, it seemed personal - even if Kenma was his closest friend, he didn’t want to intrude. His hands patted his back in a circular motion, trying to soothe him. Kenma needed him right now, that was important - but this did seem like quite an urgent matter.

”Is he okay?” Kuroo asked. Kenma’s pulled away, biting his lip as he searched for an answer. His eye brows were knitted, as he hesitantly shook his head. _He wasn’t okay-okay, but it’s not like he was dying - right? Right? Oh god. What if he’s dying? And I don’t know where he is. I’m so stupid - God, please be okay. Please, please, please, please._ Kenma felt a heavy hand clap on his shoulder, a worried look plastered onto his friends face. “Are you okay?” .   
What a weird question, with an impossible answer. Was he okay? Was he? He didn’t know. He was standing here right now, breathing and alive - but could the same be said for his - his what? What was Hinata? Never mind that, he had no clue about his whereabouts or his current conditions and that fact haunted him.   
Kuroo released his firm grip, “We’ll split up, okay? We’ll find him. If you find him, text me immediately. If we don’t find him in an hour, we’ll call a teacher - okay?” Kenma wasn’t sure if he wanted teachers involved. _Hinata had a right to privacy, right? Wait no, he should get teachers involved if he doesn’t find him. Oh god, what if it’s dead, what if - wait, stop. God, brain, please shut up for a second._

”I’ll look in the rooms, o-okay? If he’s not there, I’ll check the gym.” Kenma asked, Kuroo gave him a quick nod before he ran off. Kenma was about to leave, but paused. Right, there was something he was forgetting, the blood. The blood that was certainly going to stain if he left it any longer - he had to clean this.

………  
  


Hinata ran, he ran far. He could barely breathe, the hyperventilating strangling his throat and threatening to immobilise him. He knew he should stop, but his legs kept moving. He didn’t want to stop, he didn’t want to see Kenma. He couldn’t believe that he revealed his secret so mindlessly to one of his favourite people - such an idiot. However, he knew he needed to stop - for all he knew, he was about to pass out. His vision skimmed across his surroundings, he hadn’t explored Nekoma alone before. He was used to being accompanied by Kuroo or Kenma, who knew the school like the back of his hand. He only knew of a few places in the school, the showers, the rooms and the gym - Oh, the gym. He knew where that was, but there was still the tedious question of whether or not it would be open. Curfew was in a few minutes, and gym should definitely be closed at this hour, but he had to try.

He walked with a quick pace to wherever he was mindlessly taking himself, he could barely see but he had a little bit of trust with his navigation skills. His hands skimmed across the wall, fingertips briefly meeting with the rough and gritty texture of the wall. His legs felt as if they had no weight as he carried his petite body to his destination. The gymnasium stood tall, a dark and ominous lighting swallowing it whole. It wasn’t illuminated and rested peacefully in the shallow darkness, the door briefly moved alongside the whispers of the wind. It was unlocked.   
With a hard tug and excruciating squeal from the door, it opened. The gym was pitch black, aside from a strip of moonlight that trickled in through a window. The room was icy cold and the wind gave deadly kisses to Hinata’s skin. This was the first time tonight he felt like he could feel his body - the feeling came in slow, starting at his feet and going all the way to his head. When the cold air hit, he could feel it on his legs, making all his hairs stand on end. However, with this feeling, came the burning sensation in his arm. It stung, badly, as the once closed wounds had managed to reopen. Some blood began to dry, staining his skin a crimson shade. What he did to himself was meant to be his secret, something personal. People would worry for him, he hated that. It made him feel inferior and pathetic, the only place he felt he belonged was above the horizon of the volleyball net, ready to spike. The realisation of people knowing, knowing _his_ secret, made his throat dry. However, he knew this was only the beginning - as there was a much more grotesque secret kept at bay, one that strangled his mind with it’s poisonous grip. It attacked his brain and reduced it to an eternal state of self hatred, it blinded him and clouded his judgment. Volleyball felt like a safe space, where he could break free of all his troubles. But, things caught up with him.   
  
He couldn’t keep running forever. He wasn’t fast enough - even if he was the fastest on the court, that was nothing compared to the rapidly approaching tidal wave that came to crash down the wall he built around himself. He felt exposed, vulnerable. The idea of people caring for him, it was sickening. Their touch felt unneeded, like he was stripping them of their pride - he doesn’t deserve it. People are nice to him, more so off court than during a match, but he didn’t understand why. He thought every little thing about himself was revolting, he was putrid. And yet, people were nice to him. They greeted him kindly, they gave him gifts and they encouraged him in ways unimaginable. Sometimes, this would make him feel better, but the inevitable guilt would always be latched onto him like a dirty little leech.

His body sunk down, dropping to the floor as if he was shot dead. He resided in the darkness, finger tips just reaching the patch of bright light that was in the centre of the gym. Hinata wanted to sleep, maybe if he slept long enough the world would pass him by. He didn’t want to be in his reality anymore, people knowing his secret would change things. They’d look at him differently, with that look of pity in their eyes. They’d be more cautious, more caring. _They shouldn’t do that, they shouldn’t care - ~~please stop~~.   
_Hinata’s eyelids felt heavy, not nearly as heavy as the burden of his current existence, but heavy nevertheless. Each time he closed his eyes, he was met with a familiar and horrific face. His mother’s face. She had that sweet smile that she once wore, that would make the corners of her eyes scrunch up in the cutest way imaginable. That smile faded, and was instead replaced with a cold and snappy demeanour that made Hinata want to be on the opposite side of the planet when she faced him. As of the last few years, her eyes looked angry. She always looked angry, disappointed, any emotion like that - you name it, she’s probably felt it. He could pinpoint the exact moment she stopped loving him, the exact moment he said those words;

“ _ ~~I think that I'm gay.~~_ ”

He should have never said that - he takes it back, he takes it all back. He’s a good boy, a good son, a good son who’ll make his mother proud. But even in his dreary state, he can’t lie to himself like that. He knows it’ll never be true, that he’ll be able to like girls. And that fact only fuels his hatred for himself. If he closes his eyes, he can hear her - he can see her, and sometimes he can still feel the back of her hand slapping across his tender and raw skin. He can feel the squeezing of her hand on his wrist, the growling in his starved stomach and the looming feeling of spite that flicked off her tongue with each word she spat. _She was someone who was meant to protect and love him, but if she didn’t, then no one would. She’s a parent, and more significantly, an adult. They’re smart, they know what’s right and wrong, right? ~~If she’s says he’s a mistake, it must be right.~~_

His mind was racing, coming in with a hundred disastrous thoughts a second - it was hard to breathe, it was hard to feel, it was hard to hear. His mind was clouded, he couldn’t focus on a single thing. He was meant to be asleep in his room, resting well for Tomorrow’s match. But here he was, cowering in an empty gymnasium with blood on his arms and tears on his cheek. He wonders if his teammates knows he’s ‘missing’, or that he has his arms cut open like a tomato. ~~Has Kenma told them? Do teachers know? Oh god, what if they call my mum.  
  
~~ He’s pulled out of his panicked state when he feels two arms hung loosely around his neck and hears soft whimpering. He shakily opens his eyes, chest still heaving as he cries to stop the tears from falling. Their touch is warm, their touch has some depth of love to it. As his vision is granted back, he sees a strip of blonde hair hanging in front of his eye. He smells a familiar scent, one of strawberries and soap. He peers up, met with a devastating scene - Kenma, cheeks puffy and tears falling like rain from his red eyes. His lips are quivering as he hugs Hinata, still holding a tight embrace. Kenma sinks down with him, his knees resting on Hinata’s thigh. This motion almost brings the pair of them down together, but Hinata manages to keep them upwards even when Kenma practically dumped all his weight onto him.   
“Shoyou!” Kenma wailed, dropping his usual monotone voice and attitude. This wasn’t a time for lack of emotions, this was all raw emotion and the unmistakable truth. He didn’t want to let go, he didn’t want the chance of having Hinata run off again. ~~~~

After Kenma had searched the rooms and narrowly avoided the hawk like eyes of Karasuno, he concluded Kenma was not in that sector of the school. Based of the fact that he had no response from Kuroo, it was safe to assume Hinata wasn’t near his side either. That only left a few options for Hinata’s whereabouts, one of the closest being the gym. Kenma made his way there with a steady speed, as most of his energy came at night. The closer he got, the more he noticed. At first, he saw that the door was unlocked, just barely opened - but wide enough to fit someone small. Who’s small? Hinata. When he peered inside, he was met with a sight that would be forever burned into his mind. Hinata curled up, a pained expression on his face as he muttered an onslaught of horrid things relevant to himself. It hurt Kenma, maybe even physically.

“Please, don’t run again.” Kenma begged, pulling away to sit himself down in front of the red head. Hinata looked scared, big eyes staring up at him warily. His breathing had calmed, ever so slightly- Kenma had that effect on him, he was able to change his mood quite often. Hinata sniffled, nodding eagerly as he averted his gaze from the observant stare of his friend. Kenma hesitatingly put his hand out, fingers resting on Hinata’s knuckles. Hinata had his head turned to the side, parts of his hair illuminated by the fluorescent moonlight. He looked tired and defeated, but the moonlight completed him well.   
“Hinata, can we talk about this?” Kenma asked, wanting approval. This was quite a personal matter by the looks of things, but an answer may rest his concerns.

”Okay.” Hinata sniffled, voice sounding as defeated as a deflating balloon. His tears came out at a much slower pace, steadily regaining his calm. Words spewed out of his mouth, every so often looking up at Kenma for an approving nod. Kenma would hum along, retaining this information. Hinata told him the gist of things, and a tad about his mother. But, when it came to why his mother had stopped loving him, he was hesitant. Kenma noticed this, as there was an abrupt pause to his story. “My mother treated me different after I-“ 

He stopped, it was deathly silent. Kenma cocked an eyebrow, chewing his lip as he awaited an answer. Sweat ran down Hinata’s back, the tears threatening to stream as they pooled in the corner of his eyes. Kenma broke the silent, a quick, “After you...?”. Hinata gulped, so many memories came back - ~~_Kenma will find out, then he’ll hate me. He’ll tell everyone, then everyone will hate me. Oh god, I’m so stupid. Wait, Kenma isn’t like that. Why would you think of Kenma like that? You’re such a prick. Kenma is so nice. Why can’t you be grateful? Wait, you’re stalling. Think of an answer, you fucking dipshit!_~~ “Sho, take your time.”

That’s right, there wasn’t a rush to this (aside from the ticking clock that signalled the unstoppable reality of curfew was nearing). Hinata paused, swallowing a lump in his throat.   
“After I, um, told her I was gay.” The words came out like poison, there it was. The truth. A hush fell over the room, with an excruciating silence following a quick sigh that Kenma exasperated. Hinata sighed, he knew this was it. The end of their friendship, the end of their anything. He liked Kenma, a little more than he was willing to admit. He had just gone and threw everything down the drain, he knew he royally fucked up.   
Expect, that he didn’t. Things weren’t fucked up. His mind was damaged, that was obvious, but the little pudding haired boy would be dammed if he couldn’t fix it. He’d try his hardest, and take as long as needed. _Shoyou was sunshine, he needed to be happy._ Kenma’s fingers interlaced with Hinata’s, his warm hands in heavy contrast to Hinata’s icy touch. 

”Hinata, listen here.” Kenma’s voice was warm and comforting. This was something entirely new to Hinata - acceptance. He didn’t know things could be like this.   
“Hinata, being gay is absolutely okay. That changes nothing about who you are, you’re still the sweet little ball of sunshine I know. If anything, your mother is a sin, saying all those things to you. Being gay is fine, as a matter of fact - I’m gay as-well. Am I a sin? No. You’re the kindest person I know and you deserve the world, you always put others before you. I know that dealing with your problems will take a long time and it may seem very difficult, but I’ll be here for you-“ Kenma paused, looking up at Hinata as he squeezed his hand, “Every step of the way.”.

Hinata smiled weakly, pulling Kenma’s hand up to his face. He unlocked their fingers, and rested his cheek in the palm of Kenma’s cheek. He hummed in the tender touch, maybe Kenma was telling the truth. If Kenma was gay, then it should be okay. Wait, take a step back. Process . . .   
Kenma was gay?   
Hinata gasped, staring wide eyed at the boy. Kenma chuckled, scratching Hinata’s cheek with his index finger. Hinata pouted, eyebrows knitted as he huffed. Despite this endearing moment, there was still that undertone of sadness in Hinata’s eyes. This wasn’t something that could be fixed as easy as it came, it would take time and patience. Those things being something Kenma was entirely ready for, even if they didn’t live near each other. They could work it out.

Hinata closed his eyes, giving into the tiredness that had been plaguing him since dinner. This moment was reminiscent of earlier, a time when things were less tense - but this is still caring, nevertheless. “You’re so cute, I love you.” Kenma whispered under his breath. He immediately gasped, clutching his free hand to his mouth. Hinata, seemingly unfazed, just hummed in response. It took a few seconds, maybe two or three, before Hinata realised what Kenma said.  
❥ I love you. ❥   
What did that phrase mean? Hinata knew what it meant, but not in context of it coming from his best friends mouth. That sentence knocked him over like a bowling pin, completely throwing him off guard. He was hesitant to admit to himself that hearing it made butterflies flutter in his stomach and his cheeks were as red as the marks on his arm. He bit his lip, teeth sinking down hard enough to bite as he let out a strained ‘What?’ . This was entirely new - Having someone accept him, then say they love him. What was next, winning the lottery? Kenma hid behind his locks of hair, gently playing with strands between his fingers. — Hinata.Exe has stopped working — 

Kenma sucked in a deep breath, followed by a long exhale as he breathed out words he never thought he’d admit; “Yeah. I love you, Hinata Shoyou.”   
_Oh, he meant it._ Hinata couldn’t suppress the smile on his face that made Kenma let out a soft ‘awe’. Hinata choked on his spit, shocked by the outcome of a previously disastrous night. What was going on? Kenma looked a little disappointed, as Hinata struggled to stutter out any form a reply. They were back at it, with the uncomfortable pauses of unnecessarily long silences. Kenma could feel the shaking of Hinata’s body as tremored in his hand. It took perhaps a minute or two, for Hinata to compute an answer. He knew, long before this endeavour, that he loved Kenma. He didn’t necessarily want to admit it, but he knew. Those thoughts nestled into the back of his brain and every now and then managed to consume him, usually at around 3AM. He knew his feelings, but it was hard to formulate it into words. Just say it, ‘I love you too’, it’s not that hard. It was just hard to know, that someone as great as Kenma could love someone as lowly as him. Someone wreathing with self depreciation managed to capture the heart of someone who could support him unconditionally. Someone who shone like the sun, and someone who sought comfort in the shadow that resided with that light. Someone who lied, and someone who knew. 

“I love you too...” It came out as a whisper, a hoarse whisper. This voice broke as he cried once more, he was always crying. We’re things going too fast, should they slow down? He wasn’t sure, it’s not like he did this often... Or ever, for that matter. Kenma lunged forward, pulling Hinata into a tight embrace as he held the sobbing boy. Kenma was warm, his touch reeked of comfort and it made Hinata’s heart swell. What was this feeling? It made him feel appreciated. Their bodies were intertwined, much like their hearts.   
Kenma pulled away for a moment. He wiped Hinata’s tears away with his thumb, a sorrowful look on his face. “Can you say it again?” He asked, more flustered than Hinata. His cheeks were a rosy shade with complemented his pale skin - although it did make him look rather cold.

Hinata took a quick breath, “I love you.”   
It tugged at Kenma’s heart strings, the angel himself had said it. He said it once, and he said it twice. It was the unimaginable. It made him feel giddy - perhaps he was dreaming? Something this nice couldn’t be true. But it fortunately was, and it something that would leave a mark for both the boys. This was a memorable night, certain cases not for the best of reasons, but it was still memorable. Hinata blew the hair out of Kenma’s face, his warm breathe slightly tickling Kenma’s nose. “I love you, I love you.” Such nice words, he wanted to hear it over and over again. He’d never forget it. Hinata rested his chin in the mess and tangles of Kenma’s hair, their arms and legs interlaced as Kenma hummed. They were both flustered and one was hurting, but this was a treasured moment. 

  
_Maybe things would be a little easier with you here with me._

Kenma rested his chin in a nook of Hinata’s neck, hands trying to avoid the dangerous area of Hinata’s forearms. Although, he wasn’t entirely sure if Hinata’s arms were the only place he damaged himself. As his hands traced his figure, he noticed how thin he was. _I’ll fix you, no matter what._ “Hinata, can you stay in my room tonight? I just, don’t want you to leave...” Kenma admired dryly, earning a hum of agreement from Hinata.   
This was it. A good moment, with a hopefully good aftermath.

Ah fuck, he forget to text Kuroo that he found him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, you’re all lovely. <3  
> I tried to make them cute, but I’m not very good at this type of stuff. Sorry ;;  
> Thank you for your support, it makes me feel a little better. I appreciate it greatly, I hope my writing doesn’t disappoint.
> 
> Tumblr; Kenmiyuu

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr; Kenmiyuu


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